Ho, Ho, Ho!

I hate almost everything about the Balducci Cut Deeper Force. I’ve seen a bunch of variations, and unless they stray far from the original, they piss me off more than my ex-wife.

Maybe it’s because it’s the only card force my ex-wife ever learned. I mean, she sure as hell knew how to force every single one of my buttons into a meltdown no sane person could ever comprehend. And talk about sleight of hand—our marriage therapist kept handing her the step-by-step blueprint to a happy marriage, and instead, she kept palming another married man's dick straight into her coochie.

Every flippp of the deck during Balducci’s Cut Deeper Force reminds me of my ex rolling over in bed, sighing dramatically, ready to complain about some imaginary problem she cooked up in her delusional soap opera brain. Every. Damn. Flip.

And then comes that final flip—the big reveal.

That moment when you turn the whole deck over one last time. Or should I say the "Ho deck" over? It reminds me of the last flip I ever saw her do—when I walked into our bedroom after work and caught her rolling off some other dude, looking more surprised than me.

To her credit, she picked a good one. It looked like a 12+ inch plantain she didn’t even have to hit the fresh produce aisle to pick up. A King Kong of dongs, I suppose. A real leg-quaking, life-rearranging, spinal realignment device.

Ever seen someone looking at you with the face of regret while their thighs can't stop shivering? It was a monster. But hey—so was she. Only Christmas could compete -

That was the last straw. And as it turns out, the truth naturally came out too—just like she did, affair after affair, each one cutting deeper and deeper [pun-intended].

But hey, that ain’t Balducci’s fault.

Now, if you’re looking to replace both the Cut Deeper Force and the memories of your hoe-ass ex, there are millions of other options. A solid alternative lives in Volume 8 of Steve Beam’s Semi-Automatic Card Tricks. It’s called Another Flipping Dick.

…oops.

My bad.

That’s actually what my ex would’ve called it.

The actual name is Another Flipping Force. The handling starts (top-down) with a face-down X card, face-up X card, face-up force card, and the rest of the deck face-down. Once executed, you end up with a face-up X card in the second position, opening as many opportunities for you as my ex-wife found to bang another man while I was in the second position.

Love isn't enough. But 12 inches apparently gets you closer.

- B.R.